Spaceman Spiff on Cootie Planet
by Dannor
Summary: Calvin has to spend the day at Susie's house with her nine friends and Rosalyn. Hobbes is there, but he's only concered with the girls. Calvin's only resort is Spaceman Spiff! I know Chapter Two is short, but it's all I can do on my three-day probation.
1. Cootieitis

A/N: This is my first 'Spaceman Spiff' fic, so it might be a little... erm... 'bad'.... I don't own Calvin and Hobbes.  
  
  
  
Calvin was sitting on his bed, reading the latest addition of 'Captain Napalm.' "Hey, Hobbes, listen to this!" Calvin called over to his best friend, Hobbes. "In volume 12, issue 63 of Captain Napalm, Captain Napalm is stranded on the distant planet of Wajax, and is surrounded by humans infested with some sort of virus!"  
  
"Oooh! Sounds like that issue of Super Soundman that I re- I mean you lost!" Hobbes grinned sheepishly.  
  
"What? Do you mean that you took my Super Soundman issue?" Calvin glared at Hobbes as he said this.  
  
"Now why would I take your comic book?" Hobbes put on an expression of mock shock.  
  
"Because, flea brain, you enjoy drawing in PEN, I might add, in my comics!"   
  
"Well, if you're going to insult me, then I won't tell you where I hid the latest issue of 'The Amazon Girl,'" said Hobbes as he stuck his nose high in the air.  
  
"WHAT? YOU HID-"  
  
"Calvin!" Calvin's mom inturrupted him. "Come on, it's time to get going!"   
  
"Going? Going where?" Calvin asked his mother.  
  
"You have to stay at Susie Derkin's house. Her mom and I are going downtown shopping for Christmas, and Rosalyn will be babysitting you," Calvin's mom explained.  
  
"Rosa- Rosa- Rosa- ROSALYN??!?!" Calvin's eyes buldged as he nearly fainted dead away.  
  
"She was the only person Mrs. Derkins could get to babysit Susie and her friends. She had a sleep over last night, with nine girls," Calvin's mom started to say, but Calvin fell onto the floor. "Oh, quit being dramatic, Calvin. If it makes you feel any better, you can bring Hobbes along."  
  
At this, Hobbes's ears perked up. "That's eleven women! Yow wow!"  
  
Calvin got up and dragged Hobbes out the door. "Fine!" he shouted back into the house. "But if I'm dead or infected with cooties, don't be surprised!"  
  
Calvin started walking down the street to Susie's house, narrating another 'Spaceman Spiff' adventure.  
  
  
We join our hero, Spaceman Spiff, flying towards the distant planet Q-17, otherwise known as Koote. Calvin thought. He must find out the cause of some virus infecting the inhabitants of Koote!  
  
"So, we're going to be at Susie's house until when?" Hobbes asked Calvin as the crunched through the fallen leaves of November. Normally, Calvin would have griped about how there was no snow, but not today.  
  
Spiff's IGNORANT computer makes annoying comments about how their mission would go. "I really have to learn how to turn off that computer," our valiant hero mutters to himself as he nears the planet Koote.  
  
When they reached Susie's house, Calvin rang the doorbell. "Our hero pushes the communicator button in his ship," Calvin said more to himself than Hobbes.  
  
"Hi, Calvin!" Rosalyn opened the door. "Listen, you make ELEVEN kids, so please, try to behave."  
  
"Spiff hears the dastardly comment from the evil Empress of Koote! Obviously, SHE'S the one infecting all of the poor citizens!" Calvin said, and Rosalyn just raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
Calvin walked into the living room, where the ten girls were having a tea party. Calvin gasped. "One of the ten symptoms of Cootieitis!" Hobbes walked over to the ten girls.  
  
"Aww... he's so cute!" one of Susie's friends said when Hobbes was by their table. "Why'd you throw him, Calvin?"  
  
"Calvin ALWAYS acts like Hobbes is real, Madison," Susie told her friend.  
  
"Hobbes is such a CUTE name!"  
  
"I want to squeez him!"  
  
"Let's set him up at our tea party!"  
  
"Aww... I want to sit next to him!"  
  
"Spiff must rescue this poor sole being held hostage by the virus-infected aliens!" Calvin gasped, and ran up the stairs, saying, "Spiff runs to an ultra-top-secret location!" 


	2. Spiff's Bold Plan

A/N: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes.  
  
Calvin was standing in the linen closet, which was a tight fit. Even so, he was still narrating Spiff's adventure. "In his ultra-top-secret location, our hero, Spaceman Spiff, must find a way to rescue the poor delusional fool who ran off and joined the victims of Cootieitis!"  
"Calvin!" Rosalyn pounded on the door of the closet. "Are you in there?"  
  
"Zounds!" Calvin gasped. "The Evil Empress has come to capture Spiff!"  
  
"Enough with the games, Calvin. I doubt Mrs. Derkins would want you in her linin closet!" she pounded on the door harder.  
  
"Spiff must some how find a way to escape!"   
  
"Open this door, or I'll open it for you" Rosalyn threatened.  
  
"OUR HERO BURSTS FREE!" Calvin opened the door at the last second and jumped out, knocking Rosalyn over.   
  
"CALVIN! GET BACK HERE!" she yelled as Calvin ran off towards the nearest room- Susie's bedroom. Slamming the door shut, and locking it, Calvin sighed in relief.  
  
"OPEN THIS DOOR!" Rosalyn screamed.  
  
"Never, you twisted tyrant!" Calvin called boldly out.  
  
At the tea party, Susie cocked her head at the noise of two doors slamming, Rosalyn shouting, and Calvin shouting back. "Uh-oh. Calvin's up to something," she told her friends.  
  
"Isn't he always up to something?" one girl asked.  
  
"Yeah. He's always doing something like that. Remeber the Noodle Incident?" another girl responded.  
  
"Don't remind me. Some of my clothes STILL have noodle gunk on them!" Susie stuck her tounge out in disgust.  
  
"Spiff frantically looks at his new surroundings. Apparently, our hero is in the very location where the virus came from!" Calvin looked around in shock at his surroundings. "Staying in here, Spiff might get infected! But going outside of this... this cave, the Evil Empress will kill him!"  
  
Calvin walked around Susie's bedroom, and picked up several dolls. "Obviously, Cootieitis leads to horrific mutations!"   
  
He walked around some more, hoping to find something to 'cure' Hobbes of Cootieitis. "Suddenly, Spiff spies some sort of device!" He rushed over to Susie's hair drier.   
  
"'Perhaps this will cure the poor infected souls!' our bold hero comments." Taking the hair drier and one of Susie's dolls, he tried to blow it.   
  
"Cruses! The cure needs some sort of energy device!" He looked around Susie's room, hoping to find an outlet.   
  
"Spiff must dare leaving this place, in order to save the victims!" He walked slowly towards the door and unlocked it.   
  
"Yes! The Empress is no where to be found!"   
  
"I HAVE YOU NOW!" Rosalyn jumped out from around the corner and grabbed Calvin.  
  
"SPIFF MUST ESCAPE!" He took the hairdrier and started hitting Rosalyn with it.  
  
"WHAT are you doing?" she pulled it out of his grasp, and threw it back into Susie's bedroom.  
  
"Oh no! Perhaps the only way to suck out the Cootieitis has been destoried!" Calvin moaned.  
  
"Come on, you! You're in BIG trouble!" Rosalyn said angrily, stomping down the stairs, with a still-moaning Calvin.  
  
"Uh-oh. Calvin's in BIG trouble!" Susie giggled when Rosalyn stormed by.  
  
"Serves him right. Don't you remember that time last summer he tried to kidnap us?" one of Susie's friends asked Susie.  
  
"Yeah. He's always doing stuff like that to me."  
  
"Great. I'll probably have to go save Calvin," Hobbes muttered, and snuck away from the card table where the tea party was set up.  
  
  
  
"You vile scum!" Calvin snarled at Rosalyn. "You'll never keep the fearless Spaceman Spiff tied up!" Rosalyn hadn't really tied Calvin up. She had, however, made him sit in the corner, while she sat in a chair and glared at him darkly.  
  
"Want to make your punishment longer?" she said cooly.  
  
"Zounds! The Evil Empress's evil comes to no end!"   
  
"Whatever..." Rosalyn said, and started to read a magazine. 


End file.
